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Works-In-Progress Help for any authors or musicians seeking constructive criticism.

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Old 03-03-2006
 
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United States brimstone howler
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So, first post in this forum. Weird place to be posting one of the first threads of the new BF, but whatever.
Okay, so I wrote this as a genre write for a portfolio(project basically), in English.
"The Sun Shines, the Stars Sparkle"
"The sun shines, the stars sparkle,
a face frowns, a tear glistens;
down the girl's cheek, pale and sunken.
The tear meets the ground and shatters, just like her heart,
and the sun shines, the stars sparklke.

Wearier eyes rest upon wearier bodies,
hands stained in dirt and blood;
a chilling wind attempting to eradicate them from existence,
candle flickering then, extinguished,
and the sun shines, the stars sparkle.

Recent tragedy, violently awakened from faulty distraction,
tearing her apart, she's a sinking island.
The day is dark and overcast,
no smiles or joy today,
but the sun shines, the stars sparkle, always and forevermore."

I'd like to potentially develop this into a song. That'd be cool.

 
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Old 03-08-2006
 
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Chile Demon
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I actually thought it was a song and not poetry (wich it is? right?).

It was a nice read, catching and entertaining. Good stuff.
 
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Old 03-08-2006
 
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United States brimstone howler
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Thanks. I just wrote some Dickinson-inspired poems too, but I might not share those(they're silly. )
 
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Old 03-08-2006
 
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Chile Demon
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Somehow I want to read something..A book..hormones? perhaps..stupid body chemistry..

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Thanks. I just wrote some Dickinson-inspired poems too, but I might not share those(they're silly. )
Go ahead. Who cares if they are silly, a laugh isnt bad.
 
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