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Works-In-Progress Help for any authors or musicians seeking constructive criticism.

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Old 10-29-2008
 
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Australia Agent-47.
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Default sci-fi story: unamed.

hey,

at school we have to write a story as part of each topic we study in english and we are doing sci fi and i want to share my story with you that are interested and give your thoughts on it. i have never really been into writing a story like this before, and quickly produced a small exert and backround for my universe that i like alot. now if you want to read the story with out knowing all thats behind it so far, dont read below, and i recomend you dont, but if you do want to go ahead.

Quote:
the story is set in a so far unspecified time in the future, where humanity has allied and reached for the stars, but that crumbled shortly after it colonised several worlds and having not nor it being relevant on what happened between that and the present day in the story, the Earthen Empire (terran?) is at war with a rogue state of colonies that are light years away from the mother planet. the whole war is fought on many different fronts, citys beaches, streets of town and on desolate wastelands, destroyed by nuclear devastation by the Earthen Empire. the people the EE are fighting are genetically engineered and highly hive minded. the idea of the story is to show that there is no difference between being apart of a hive mind, or being controlled for the greater good, and being told what is good, and being controlled by religion. i basically want to show that religion is a control and it has its own agenda. also the story highly actionable, the EE being machine worshipping fanatics that wear huge powersuits and fight for there beliefs genetic engineering is heresy, and then 'genetics' fighting for the right to do what they want to their body or others. but where the story is set, there is no more reason to fight, it just is the fight. there is no stopping until one or the other is destoryed. it is essentially man vs machine, man vs god, man vs man, for without man, the thought of 'god' or 'machine' would never exist.


now heres a small scene which i wrote today:

the city was dark and eerie. silence enveloped all and darkness swallowed everything. marines of the Earthen empirial fleet looked cautiosly, "stay alert brothers" the captain warned.the dark street of the city was quiet. too quiet. even for a city destroyed by bomb after bomb after bomb. it was still to quiet. the marines huge power suits made them immune to all environmental effects, like heat, radiation, low-zero gravity, and zero oxygen.it also made them able to carry the Repeaters they carried, huge miniguns, the standard in empirial weaponry.the silence was broken when the captain said "brothers, our time is now" and all the marines spooled up the repeaters. "bring down the sun!" the captian said to his force of 10,000 marines, all over the city. and right on que, the city roared with the howled in anger, as if the builinds them selves were alive. marred only by the flash and devastation of a 1 kiloton tactical warhead, dropped from orbit. the 'sun' illuminated all parts of the city where the marine force was, kilometers away, and in the depths and on the walls of every single building for 100's of kilometers squared were jumpers. the cannon fodder of the 'Gens' forces.there faster that any man, machine or natural, engineered to be faster, stronger and quieter than others. the marines spewed fire from their repeaters and cut down the jumpers in there hundreds. as the battle went on, the jumpers were coming from the buildings in an endless wave of flesh, their armour, grown on them from birth getting blown away by fire and then the jumper retreating to 'heal' its armour. flashes were coming from the allys and windows as 'spotters' were sniping with their organic energy weapons were sniping with perfect acuracy. "bring down the sky! bring the rain!" the captain commanded in the heat of battle and from the cloud cover came what looked like falling stars, but they werent stars, they were stone of asteroids; it was steel. steel rain they call it.and as there number blotted out parts of the sky they moved in packs and crashed into the ground, demolishing small buildings and killing all who are unlucky enough to be present there. and when the rain had ended, the pods cracked open, and poured more marines. they were holding off the geneitcs at a rate of 30 times more kills than then enitire emiprial force was.a marine unleashed a storm of fire as a jumper lept off a builind at him, which he decimated with his repeater, blood and flesh littered the ground, but he wasnt fast enough for the one that lept onto his back and tre of his repeater pack and then plunged his fist into the helmet of the one marine, he fell, then two, then 100, then as the battle was growing to an end, the captain, slicing through hordes of gens by himslef with his power staff and titan fists, was there a revalation; the genetic hive leader showed himself. the gen 'mind' rarely showed himslef in battle, and only did when the situaton was dire. the captain and the mind squared off; the mind with his suit making him 10 feet tall, strong enough to crush a marine and can devastate legions of marine with his mandibles and razop sharp blades he weilds. " today you die, Filth' the captian exclaimed and as if it were in his head, the mind replied; 'this is the beginning of the end for you' thenhe charged, with lightining speed, the captain dodging and redirecting his blows, and slicing at him with his power staff, and pummelling his hide with his titan fist, a giant gauntlet that smites the foe with the fury of thousand warriors. the mind laughed as he toyed with the captain, but the captain had more instore. he charged at the mind, the struck at him, spinning his power staff in a tornado of light and power that decimated all in its paths, the mind howled as the staff lopped off a mandible and cut across his chest, the staff being electified, slowed the healing powers of the gens drasitcally, but with time, it will heal. "you and your men shall pay!" he roared in all their heads, the captain being momentariyly paralysed was tossed and thrown around and his staff destoryed by the minds blade that he weilded. and as the captain stared into the sky as he was being crushed under the minds foot, he roared "bring down the sky!" and the sky lit up with the steel rain and with that distraction he smashed the minds foot, got up charged into the minds body with a roar tha shook the very core of the city and everything in it, and with one last blow the captain smited the mind on the head with his titan fist kocking it down onto a small crater illuminated with a red light from the sky: Steel rain. the mind howled with a wale of despiration as a pod landed on him with a blood curdling crumch and blood being spattered everywhere. "Victory is ours brothers! we have done the will of the gods!" the captain roared as the remaining genetics sacctered everywher, falling into chaos without a leader. the empire had captured the city.

thoughts? comments and anything else, plz post.
-47.

 
Agent-47. has 997 Posts


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Originally Posted by Ass Kicker View Post
I'll accept this when they start printing on the back of Bibles "Warning: This book has been linked to the murder and torture of millions along with a general lack of tolerance for others."
 

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