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Old 09-29-2008
 
#1
United States Hydragoon
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Default My Fiction Story

Hey everyone,
I wrote this for my fiction class and posted it online, and then it got accepted by a blogger as a featured story on her website! It would be really cool to hear what you guys think...

Just so you know, it gets better towards the middle, the beginning is a little bit slow, but there's a stylistic reason. Feedback is very much desired!

http://www.associatedcontent.com/art...er.html?cat=44

Thanks!

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Old 09-29-2008
 
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Holy shit.

I will have to read this tomorrow but I read the first page and a half and you are obviously very talented. It's not very often at all someone posts something here that captures my attention right away.
 
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Old 09-29-2008
 
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Wow. I sat there and read several pages of it...and..wow. I'll finish reading it when I can, but I admire your writing prowess - I only hope I get that way with my own writing.
 
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Old 09-29-2008
 
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Interesting read. I think it is slightly amateur when looking at professional works, but it's a story that could get published in a short story magazine or something along those effects. The pacing is good and it's an interesting story (and you have very good descriptions), I'm just not sure if I came out of it learning anything in particular.

Also, I think you used "eloquently" in the wrong context.
 
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Old 09-30-2008
 
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@ Tim-and-Carl:

I appreciate the feedback. I didn't claim to be "professional," so any other tips you can give me would be great. I did intend for people to "learn" a few particular things from the story, so if you didn't, I wouldn't mind knowing what I can do to help future readers. Thanks!

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Old 10-06-2008
 
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Sorry, I forgot to come back to this and say I didn't mean amateur as an insult but as the harshest I would criticize your work. I don't necessarily consider anything I produce professional in its own sense.

On the subject of learning a moral from the story, I'm just not sure if you drove home the idea that everyone was irrationally prejudiced towards the protagonist for no reason. I realized that was the case but there wasn't enough examples of it that I could associate to my own life, thus it becomes more of an observation than a reflection of something wrong with the real world. I don't think you should rewrite this story, but for future stories, the best ways to drive those kind of things home is to make the scenarios where such morals are involved as real as possible.
 
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Old 10-12-2008
 
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Hey, Tim-and-Carl, thanks for your response. I do appreciate you taking the time to give me some constructive criticism. Your points are definitely valid. My main "morals" in the story weren't solely about irrational prejudice (though that's part of it), but about recognizing the humanity in people that are suffering in a system that keeps them down. In this story, the gap between the privileged few and the struggling masses is more pronounced than real life, obviously, but is still supposed to be an unsettling parallel to the real world and where we might be headed.

Not that I'm a Socialist or anything... But there should be some common decency in this world... Anyway, thanks again.

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