Warcraft Legacy Starcraft Legacy BlizzForums
The Future?

Go Back   BlizzForums > General Forums > Chit Chat > Works-In-Progress

Works-In-Progress Help for any authors or musicians seeking constructive criticism.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes


Old 06-27-2006
 
#1
United Kingdom NectarSweet
Who? Him?
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 537
 NectarSweet has much to be proud ofNectarSweet has much to be proud ofNectarSweet has much to be proud ofNectarSweet has much to be proud ofNectarSweet has much to be proud ofNectarSweet has much to be proud ofNectarSweet has much to be proud ofNectarSweet has much to be proud ofNectarSweet has much to be proud ofNectarSweet has much to be proud of
Default The unnamed story [WIP]

So i've yet to come up with a name, but i've completed two chapters so far, and here they be:
Chapter 1 – The Hunt
“Don’t loose her lieutenant; what ever you do don’t loose her.” Captain Abraham Stone said calmly but sternly to his second in command, who was currently manning the helm.
“Yes sir” was Lieutenant Jack Dobson’s only reply. He had spent too much time and effort in the chase to give up at this most crucial time.
The ship in the main viewer was bobbing around seemingly at random, but always evading the fire of the cruiser “Cartova”. The ship in the viewer was far smaller than the cruiser, and was using her increased mobility to sustain the relentless assault from the Cartova.
“We hit her! Captain, we have damaged the enemy ship, it looks like her thrusters has been disabled”. Came the ecstatic shout from one of the grey shirted men at the consoles.
“Very good, weapons officer, cease fire.” The Captain turned to one of the other grey shirted men “Mr Micheals, prepare the marines for a boarding party. Lieutenant, I want that ship secured in our bay. Have a level 2 security field erected the moment the ship is in the bay.” The Captain knew that while the ship had been wounded, the people onboard would have to be dealt with according to doctrine. This was the part of his job he hated. Part of him wishes the ship had escaped, but it didn’t, so his path was now clear.
“Captain, the Marines have been prepared, they are entering the bay now.”
“Put me through to the Major Marko.” The Captain turned to one of the many displays around his chair. When a grizzly old man appeared, he then pushed the button on the display to initiate communications.
“Major Marko, as you are now aware, the enemy ship has been detained in the ship bay. You are to eliminate any and all survivors on the ship. Good hunting Major.” The Captain quickly pushed the mute button on the console, he didn’t need to hear the Major’s bravado at this time, and he knew the Major would complete his task. He had done so many times before.
Abraham watched as the marines proceeded up to the small craft. As they placed the explosives on the docking hatch of the craft, Abraham wondered what it must feel like to be inside that craft. They knew full well what was about to happen to them. The government had warned them. Why must they violate doctrine in this manner? It didn’t matter now, in a short time they would be eliminated, and he would begin hunting for the next one.
He saw the explosion on his monitor which vibrated as the shockwaves from the explosion rippled outward. He could even hear the explosion through the many walls which separated the docking bay and the bridge. As the marines now crammed into the bay, he closed his eyes.


Chapter 2 – The last stand
Mike Taylor was so proud of the men and women around him. These were people who put their lives on the line for an idea. His idea. He looked at the faces on the people; all had sweat, blood and dirt on them, but none had fear, and none had remorse. “Should probably say something” he thought.
“Guys, we all know what’s about to happen, and I just want to let you all know, I love each and ever one of you. You have proven yourselves to be pure of soul, and when our end comes and we meet it together, we will meet our loved ones in the afterlife. For now though, we must take up arms once more. Take up arms to kill as many of them as you can, because only with sacrifice can change be made.” As he spoke, the people around him hung on his words, and they gritted their teeth and clenched their fists. They all had one desire that the movement did not die here. But if it was to die here, then it would take the lives of as many of their oppressors as possible.
“Mike! Mike! Hey Mike come here!” came a frantic shout from one of the side consoles, currently occupied by Joshua.
“Yea Josh, whats up?” Mikes casual speech seemed to calm Joshua down just enough to tell Mike what he knew.
“Mike, only the port thrusters was damaged; we could use the other one to get us out of here.” Joshua still spoke quickly, and it was difficult to hear him speak over the background noise of everyone preparing for what was about to happen.
“Josh that’s great, but I doubt we would be able to avoid the cruisers guns with just one thrusters.” Joshua’s face fell as Mike told him the reality of the situation. Joshua was still young, probably only 17 years old when he joined the movement.
“Damnit, you are right. Why do you have to be right all the time Mike”. Josh still had his sense of humour, and as Mike put his hand on Joshua’s shoulder Joshua smiled. Then suddenly, his eyes flashed, and it was as if someone had pushed his “on” button.
“Hey, hey I got it, I know how to get you off the ship! The thrusters!” Mike looked at the boy practically jump up and down as he told him the good news.
“That’s great Josh, but how?”
“Oh yea, forgot about that, the thrusters are detachable. If we can seal up the thruster, you should be able to use it for 15 maybe 20 minutes before it ran outa juice and went offline.” Joshua’s eyes were still lit up like a 5 year old who just got a new toy.
“That’s great! You are a genius Josh! How many people do you figure could get into the thruster?” Mike spoke slowly, grabbing onto Joshua’s shoulders to try and calm him down. Slowly, his expression changed from utter joy, to one that can only be described as complete disappointment.
“Well, when I have to work on the thrusters, only one other person will fit into it, so we can fit two people. Three if you find someone small enough” Joshua’s head dipped, and he closed his eyes, hoping Mike wouldn’t see him crying.
“Hey Josh, don’t worry I’m not going to leave you, or anyone else on the ship.” Joshua pulled his face up, and Mike saw the pained smile on Joshua’s face that said “Thank you” but without words.
“Mike, we will need some support up at the docking port, thats how they will get in.” The soft voice of Natalia Andreiva came through the intercom.
“Ahh, Natalia. What would I do without you. You had saved this cause so many times” Mike thought. “If only this was not our last stand”.
Instantly, Joshua’s face lit up again. In his classic panic state, he fumbled for the communicator.
“Hey guys, I figured out how to save Mike! Everyone get back to the Right Thruster now!” As he spoke the words, he was already half way to the thruster, and all Mike could do was follow.

Thats that. I'm not sure how its working out. It follows my gameplan well enough, but the flow might not be working the way I want it.
At this point in the story, you are curious about the "movement", why the ship has been attacked and all the people on the ship have to die, you should also be able to notice the stark difference between the two crews. One is very offical, very by the book whilst the other is very unoffical and very individual.
You should also be thinking about the captain of the ship, and what hes feeling.
 

Last edited by NectarSweet; 06-27-2006 at 06:47 PM.
 

NectarSweet is offline


pm.gif   
Reply With Quote


Old 07-01-2006
 
#2
United States Mr. Boots
All rrrright.
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 292
 Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!
Default

Intriguing, what makes a good story is, obviously, the reader wants to know more. I think you do a good job of starting the story with a bang, while leaving spaces for content.

--Definitely de-technicalize some of the dialogue on the "by-the-book" ship. I understand it's sci-fi, I love sci-fi and writing sci-fi, but if it gets chock full of technicalities, "erect a security plan 2"... or whatever. No one talks like that, make it flow a little bit more.

--To make dialogue flow, use contractions, like can't and won't, I noticed one of the dudes says, "we have damaged the ship". In an intense situation like that, no one is going to say out we have, it'd be "we've damaged the ship". It reads better.

--"why must they violate doctrine like that", and the whole government bit are good things, like I said, it makes the reader want to get more content on the world you've created.

--I liked the differentiation between the two crews, especially how Mike talks to Josh, like he is, as you described him, only a kid. At first when I read it, I was thinking, well, in an intense situation, Mike really wouldn't be nice talking Josh like this. It works out though, because we know nothing of the "Movement" and, for me, it foreshadowed some kind of detail of how people in the "Movement" act around one another, regardless of the situation.



Definitely gonna be a good write if you can finish it, keep it up, always keep writing!

-Mr. Boots
 
Mr. Boots has 292 Posts
 

Mr. Boots is offline


pm.gif   
Reply With Quote


Old 07-01-2006
 
#3
United Kingdom NectarSweet
Who? Him?
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 537
 NectarSweet has much to be proud ofNectarSweet has much to be proud ofNectarSweet has much to be proud ofNectarSweet has much to be proud ofNectarSweet has much to be proud ofNectarSweet has much to be proud ofNectarSweet has much to be proud ofNectarSweet has much to be proud ofNectarSweet has much to be proud ofNectarSweet has much to be proud of
Default

Thanks :-)

My big weakness as a writer, is the speech. I grew up reading classics like Lord of the Rings, where great quests are undertaken by great lords of men with great educations, so I feel like thats the normal for me :-) I guess I have to remember these are but mortal men :-)

You raise an interesting point about technical details. My orginal idea was that the Captains crew would be much more technically spoken, since they have military training and whatnot, whereas the movements technical speech amounts to "The doodad is broken", but again I have to make things flow more naturally I think

Again, thanks for your thoughts :-)
 
 

NectarSweet is offline


pm.gif   
Reply With Quote


Old 07-02-2006
 
#4
United States Mr. Boots
All rrrright.
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 292
 Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!
Default

If that's the idea (about the technical speech of the crew), then keep it up, but I don't think you should use it too much to kill it's coolness. Know what I mean? I'd appreciate it if you checked out what I just wrote. http://blizzforums.com/showthread.php?t=419
 
Mr. Boots has 292 Posts
 

Mr. Boots is offline


pm.gif   
Reply With Quote


Old 07-02-2006
 
#5
No country specified. To select a country, go to User CP -> Edit Profile -> Country Kingreaper
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,949
 Kingreaper is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

The biggest problem I have reading this is the switching between past and present tenses (something my own WIP has trouble with)


EDIT: It would appear that it's just one incident that gave me that impression, presumably you typoed here:

Part of him wishes the ship had escaped

Did you?
 
Kingreaper has 1,949 Posts
 

Kingreaper is offline


pm.gif   
Reply With Quote


Old 07-02-2006
 
#6
United States Mr. Boots
All rrrright.
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 292
 Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!Mr. Boots is dominating!
Default

Oh, hell yeah, the Captain should definitely be the un-likely savior.
 
Mr. Boots has 292 Posts
 

Mr. Boots is offline


pm.gif   
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A prequel story? zergling StarCraft Discussion 20 09-27-2006 06:55 PM
Random word story! Bullet2head Chit Chat 0 08-13-2006 01:12 AM
Continueous Story 2 Draconis88 Chit Chat 3 08-08-2006 03:48 PM
were will the story line go to now? Haggis Mcjackass Warcraft Discussion & Strategy 1 07-27-2006 08:21 PM
story time Pizza Chit Chat 33 07-23-2006 09:30 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:54 PM.
Designed by XG3